Nobody said it was easy

I was listening to Coldplay - The Scientist. Well the song is not related to my situation at all. But there is one line that reflected the burden on my freaking head right now. Its hard.

No one will understand. I am a very competitive person. And I will make sure, I always win. Even I lose at the beginning, its kind of strategy to win big later on. In my class, not to brag but I can say I am quite a trendsetter. I dont really go to class but I dont flung any paper. My presentation is always awesome. Alhamdulillah, thank you God for always helping me. I did my work perfectly, even lots of people hate me, i dont give a damn. I try to excel in what i do.

But now, i still didnt get placement for my internship when my classmate already start to be on tv. Nooo. Its not that i wanna be on tv or something. Its just that, how come they get it first and i'm not? Will i ever get a chance to do what i really really really want?

Then i realized, i am not that expert in what i do. I'm just, average. I can do copywriting, but its not gonna make people go, whhhooooaaaaa! I can proofread, but my grammar is not that good. I can write, but only with limited vocabulary and normal lame sentences. I dont have skills to challenge the language. I can edit, but i'm not a master in editing. So far, i feel good about my self for a while because there is no challenges from others in my class. But when i started to work on my internship resume, damn it, i suck at everything.

What if all my classmate is doing good in what they do and successfully get what they always dream of and I didnt? Will i have a good future that i always dream of? If not what i'm gonna do with my life? Will it change if i study for my SPM and fly straight to Rusia and do medic? Will my life be as miserable as this? I dont know. But there is a feeling that, its ruining. And i dont know whether or not I can bare all the disappointment in the future.

Excuse My Attitude

First impression is not everything. I finally see this.

Believe it or not yesterday, i agreed to buka puasa together with my office mates. Since my boss insisted me to go, i finally go - socializing. And my boss brought his hot girlfriend together. At first she never smile at us at all! I was like what the hell. My boss is one nice guy why in the world he chose this biatch?!!

After we finished our food, she started to join in the conversation and laugh at our jokes. And then i was like, hey she's not that bad. She is just slow in adapting to new crowds. And i finally realize, damn it! New people around me think i'm a snobbish bitch too! I am never good mingle around with people that i just met. I dont even smile at random people! I dont say hi to my office mates when they passed by me. Geeeezzzzz. What a snobbish bitch i am.

The moral of my story is:

Believe it or not, people is observing even when they said they care less. That is why personality wins over looks. Take your personality seriously, the most important thing is, don't be a copycat! You can wear what she/he wears, get her/his style or talk the way she/he talks. Come on! People can buy all that. You invest 10k for your physical appearance you can be Kim Kardashian! (Okay i might exaggerate a wee bit here)

But personality is one fucking unique identity that is hard to copy and cant be bought. And would you rather people like you because of you or like you for being somebody else? So be proud of your very own personality. Because the way you carry yourself will carry you to a place that you lease expected that maybe lead you to your expectation in life! (Errrr wth?) So whatever it is, judge people from their personality not first impression or looks. Got that mate?

P/S: Damn it! I'm just so proud i dont smile at strangers.

Club 25

hello hello.

its been a while. well i am actually very busy at the moment. not that i havent write anything but i think publishing it will be very wrong. getting matured i guess? well being matured is pretty lame and boring. especially when you have to start dealing with commitments and responsibilities. when you have to think about more than 1 thing at a time. when you have to prioritize other people than your own self. when you cant play around with your future anymore. thats when you realize, damn it! i'm not 21 anymore!

kids, being an adult is not fun. AT ALL. even you can enter the club, drink and nail girls legally, but when you think back, its never fun when it is legal.

i never think that at the age of 25, things changed in a blink. i am at the cross road where i need to choose a correct path. yes i am talking about my career. even i am very much know what i want, the pros and cons of choosing it, making me scared. and somehow the opportunity is not there and i dont know where to start. but i have a secure job where i can get good pay and i think i am kinda good at it. its just that i dont have my full heart doing it. it feels like putting your life and future as a bet in a round table that surrounded by gamblers who either wants you to rise or fall. the stress is there when the expectation is high but you arent sure the level of your capabilities.

and the worst thing is when you have choices but not chances. you dont get what i mean right? simple, you want to date Mr A and Mr B so bad. there you have your choices. but only Mr B is single. there goes your chances. its the same thing happening to me in choosing my career path right now. (damn it use your brain to relate the metaphor i give!)

so i come to a conclusion. i will get Mr A and make sure he breaks up with his girlfriend. i will work my very hard to get what i want. got what i mean? hehe! good luck mira me me me me!

Knock knock!

oh hello. how long have you been here? have a sit. coffee? =) aha! thank you so much for your long wait for me to make a comeback. (err, who waited for you again?) never minnnnd. if you ever get a chance for a comeback, what kind of comeback would you like? hhmmm. i would say, demi moore comeback in charlie's angel. ahhhh. so hot cougar style is your in thang now? naaahh, i just think that she makes the long wait worth it. =)

but why i decided to quit blogging in the first place? its kinda embarrassing actually. when i was at the DL awards that day, i met the girl that my huge crush used to like. i always knew she got a blog (but i couldnt care less - cheh cheh cheh nak ego konon), saja nak buang masa, i stalked her blog back. i am very impressed with the way she expressed herself and i can tell she is one intelligent lady by just reading her blog. its very...................................................... sexy to me. =)

so i compare. i browse my blog sampai habis page (for some people, its kinda vain lah, its like stalking yourself, but yaa, i did it), i concluded, i am nothing compare to her. and i decided to stop rather than exposed more of my stupidity. i decided to quit writing. so what the hell are you doing now?

well, i am very confused in making decision for my career path. i wouldnt know maybe i'll end up being a journalist ke, copywriter, or something that requires you to write correctly and creatively (since i'm in a media student), so my language must be super duper dope. (dope as in awesome gila babi but used appropriately and understandable by your target readers - ahhahhaa.) i must practice to write a lot, i know my vocabs and grammer sucks (okay i simply spell it wrong - its grammar lah silly!) and i actually attracted to this one job (that i cant jinx it now) that require creative writing. practice will makes it perfect kononnya (even nothing is perfect in this world)

i'm here to improve. so help my self help me. i might change my mind someday and quit again, but who am i without this over-thinking mind and over-functioned brain. you dont have the right to hate me because of my fickleness.

okay, thank you so much for your time, i know its gold to you, but you spend some for this lame post, i must mean something to you. i'm flattered indeed. hahahahaha. take care.

bisous bisous,

MNH